THE REBEL YELL                                                                                                        

With Flex Wheeler

Yours truly, Flex Wheeler here, getting in yo' face to dish all the happenings and drama in the world of bodybuilding. Sit back and enjoy as I bring "da troof" without pullin' punches in full surround sound. Prepare to be spanked, son. It's on!   

THE WARREN COMMISSION

            Seems Shawn "The Mouth" Ray dropped letters to all our homies saying he's stepping out of the office for good. That's right. Shawn fought a major war to get the Athlete's Representative chair, and in the blink of an eye, he up and vacated. Branch "Walking Tree Trunk" Warren, the thicker than thick, has mixed feelings about this latest drama. Said Branch about his supposed representative in his relaxed, honest-to-goodness inquisitive southern drawl:

            "Did he do anything at all? His resignation letter was the first and only thing I've ever gotten from our Seat Representative. Not one single phone call or e-mail, ever."

            You think Branch is trying to say it doesn't change his world in the least?  I do! But Big Branch is an ultra cool, totally nice cat without a harmful bone in his enormous body, so it's not like he's droppin' bombs on my boy Shawn.  Branch even had some ideas for reform that might work better.

Big Branch Reform Code

• A representative who is not an athlete or a former athlete
• Someone independent, who can navigate the political nonsense
• This person cannot be on the IFBB payroll

While I still had the big guy on the phone from his Texas office HQ at Maximum Fitness, I had to ask about the long, long arm of the law making its presence felt throughout the bodybuilding community. I mean, what is up with the subpoenas flying around? Cats are getting pinched left and right!  Bodybuilders are being scrutinized like criminals. Branch unloaded the full magazine on the DEA and the confusing hypocrisy surrounding prohormones now becoming a Class III narcotic. Here's a little letter we composed to the government- which we'll never send, of course- based on Branch's insightful comments.

BRANCH'S LETTER TO THE GOVERNMENT

(or what he'd like to ask them, anyway)

            Dear Uncle Sam:

I've got a question for y'all. Instead of messing with bodybuilders, why don't you go arrest some real criminals? There are millions of vile, evil thugs out there going about their business in plain sight. I've never heard of anybody committing violent crimes over prohormones. And here you have coke dealers killing, robbing and stealing like it's going out of style!

The bottom line is it won't change a thing. If people are gonna do it, they're gonna do it. A lot of people are gonna end up behind bars and have problems in their lives because of this. It's sad. It doesn't have to be like this.

And what is going on with prohormones? On Monday, I read on the Internet that prohormones are now considered a Class III drug! That means they're in the same category as cocaine, heroin and barbiturates! A couple of weeks ago, you could buy them at GNC or Max Muscle. Now, they're being classed with cocaine? That's ridiculous. Where is all this headed?

                   Branch Warren

•                        A Concerned Citizen

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VOLCANO JOE ERUPTS

Joe McNeil, a true, tried and tested, honest-to-goodness guru gives it to you raw, whether you like it or not. When Joe talks, people listen because this cat knows his business. Know what I'm saying? Now read and learn what Yoda had to say. 

Jay Cutler: Lose the Jelly Rolls

"I'm a big fan of Jay Cutler, but I gotta be honest, enough is enough.  This was the worst I've seen him in a long time. Where is bodybuilding going when they award a guy who turns around for a back double biceps and he's got 12 rolls in his lower back?"

Vindicate The Blade

            "I'm not saying this just because I work with the guy, but I felt Dexter Jackson had Jay beat hands down at the 2004 Mr. Olympia. He beat him at the Show of Strength, where Jay was in much better shape than he was at the Olympia. And Dexter was just as good, if not better, than his Show of Strength condition at the Olympia. Dexter split Jay in two from the side and the back.  Does it all come down to name fame? If that's true, people are not gonna get a fair shake at the Olympia."

Who Needs the First Three Quarters, Anyway?

            "The Mr. Olympia is supposed to be the greatest bodybuilding show on earth, am I right? Then why in hell do you eliminate the two most important rounds of the contest? Going into the Challenge Round, they just erased everything that happened in the prejudging. Why even have a prejudging, then?  It's like it didn't even happen. Whatever advantage you gained in the afternoon was nonexistent by nighttime. That's like going to the Super Bowl and being up by 15 points after three quarters. Then they say, ‘OK, those points don't count anymore.'"

And thus, the Trash Talkin' Commencin'

"Gustavo Badell beating Dexter? Gustavo has said that he'll beat him again at the Arnold Classic. Look out! Yes, he edged him out for third. But go back and look at the scores heading into the night show. You'll see how far behind Dexter Badell was. I don't see how he can figure he won. Essentially, he beat him on two poses. That's it. I don't think contest placings should be determined on two poses. If he's that far behind Dexter at the Arnold, he's gonna be eating crow. Gustavo should feel good about getting the nod over Dexter, because after Ronnie Coleman, Dexter's the hottest bodybuilder on the circuit. But if he wants to repeat this feat, he'd better bring it!"

Ginzu to Slice the Field

"Dexter's gonna show them something they've never seen before. His total package will be blinding. I can't see anyone beating him if he's on. Chris Cormier may have the only physique capable of contending. If Chris shows up, I mean really shows up, he could give Dexter a handful. Gustavo at his best isn't good enough to dull The Blade. He's a little weak in the back and blocky in the waist. He was behind Dexter at prejudging and that was Gustavo's absolute best. Still, it'll be a helluva battle."

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TITUS: HEADBANGER'S IRON PIMPING BALL

Sources have confirmed that Craig "Big Business" Titus was training none other than Vince Neil. For those of you who were still in diapers during the ‘80s, Vince was the lead singer of Motley Crue. I ran into Titus and got the goods on training a rock star, plus a few other things goin' down in our sport.

            Flex:   So what was it like training a rock star? Was it crazy parties and groupies hanging from chinning bars all day?

            Titus: No, nothing like that. He's actually very dedicated. Kelly did his nutrition and I handled all the training. He's the coolest guy. He looked very good. 

            Flex:   Yeah, my wife told me about it. She and my niece peeped it last night. She said, ‘Man, did you see this guy on TV? His arms were huge!' I said, ‘Yeah, that's my boy, Craig.'

            Titus: Yup. It's been running on VH1 since January 3. It runs like four or five times a day.  It worked out really well. I was a little apprehensive about how they were gonna make me look. You know, the mainstream public has this perception of bodybuilders, that's well, unflattering, to say the least. But they were totally professional. Kelly got a little TV time, too. All in all, it was very good. 

Titus the Bull Seeing Red- Not Green

            I had to get my boy's opinions on a few things that I've been kicking around in my skull. And with Craig, when you ask for his opinion, you'd better be sitting in a comfortable chair. My boy gives it all to ya, in full flava. So here's what he had to say about who's responsible for the current state of affairs in bodybuilding, on Darrem Charles is being dissed- prime time- and why he's seeing red everywhere he goes. Let's kick this in fully automatic, Titus style.

            "Supplement companies are like a virus or a dark cloud over bodybuilding. They're the reason for the current sad state of professional bodybuilding. Supplement sales have been the lowest to date in the industry, which means no money is being poured back into the sport. The BALCO scandal lash-back may have some effect, but the bottom line is the amount of money athletes can make is going down and the future is not looking promising."

It's All About Respect

• Supplement companies fixate on a couple of athletes and ride that bandwagon for months.
• They're not utilizing the wealth of talent available.
• I'm sick of seeing the same faces and bodies on the cover of the magazines.
• It's like a painter who uses red all the time; pretty soon that's all you start to see [and why the fans reciprocate the mass marketing].
• Darrem Charles is a perfect example of this problem.
• He's won three pro shows, yet not a single cover?
• He's always in shape and a magnificent, consummate professional.
• It's not fair and downright stupid to diss him. Where's the respect?

Swami Says?

"I can tell you right now who's gonna be on the next cover of Flex magazine, but I won't because someone will get pissed off and then boom! I'll be placing sixth at the next contest."

Whoa! What did I tell you guys? Our boy is red hot! That's Titus Uncensored in yo' face! Deal with it.

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ALL HAIL THE GREAT JUMBO

Who says bodybuilders can't talk? Here's one eloquent cat that's never afraid to speak his mind. Dave "Jumbo" Palumbo lets his tongue hang out all the way! Here's some of what he drops for us in this very column: 

• Why he thinks I should stand up and lead y'all to the promised land
• What they should do to really make the Olympia like the Super Bowl of bodybuilding
• The reason he'll never be a rat-snitch-punk

            Plus, a whole lotta other candy you can't afford to miss. Get your ears cleaned and listen up as Sir Jumbo speaks on the truth, the only way he knows how- straight from the heart. Sadly, this interview occurred only a short time before our friend and Team MD member had to enter federal prison. But that didn't stop ol' Dave. He went straight up ape and broke one off up in every vile fool that's trifling in our sport!

            JUMBO'S STATE OF THE UNION

Be the Messiah

"I'd like to see you, Shawn Ray, Paul Dillett, Don Long and Tom Prince come together and tell us, ‘You guys are being taken advantage of Period!  You need to do this and that to get over.  Follow our lead and we'll get you there.' The current competitors will never take that lead. Ronnie Coleman will never stand against the authorities, because he's making too much money. But if he sees you guys manning the helm, I believe he'll follow. It's about solidarity."

Meet Our Demands- or Else!

"Don't compete unless you get the things you ask for. Demand that everyone get prize money. Demand that everyone gets travel expenses covered.  Meet these demands or we walk."

Live in Infamy

"Leading the athletes in the right direction will make you infamous.  You'll be more notorious for doing that than anything you ever did while you competed. Look at the people who started a free agency in baseball or football.  They were criticized and ridiculed. Yet, they paved the way for everybody else. It comes down to taking a stance. Otherwise, the sport is dead as far as I'm concerned."

I.F.Bah! Bah!

"Don't worry about us not getting your back. Bodybuilders are notorious followers. So when you turn around, rest assured we'll be right behind you."

            Shawn Coulda, Shoulda

            What Shawn should have done as the Athlete's Representative, according to Jumbo Palumbo:

            "Get the backing of the athletes. Ask what they want to achieve. Establish that you work for us. Negotiate with the right people to get what we want.  Remember that without the athletes, there is no bodybuilding; hence, who really has the power? The promoters or the athletes? Do not be on contract with the powers-that-be. And be selfless in your efforts.

            "Bodybuilders are greedy. We want more money for ourselves, but with you being a non-competitor, you've got nothing to lose to help us. Certain things like health care and travel expenses should be mandatory for all athletes, and if we are awarded that, it will garner support from everyone."

            Stop! Or I Will Arrest Your Mom!

"Prohormones in the same class as cocaine? Geez, my mom has some vitamins in the kitchen. Are you gonna arrest her for that next?"

Livin' Large as a Pro Bodybuilder

"I would never discourage someone from pursuing the sport if they really loved it. If you have a deep-rooted love for the sport, there's a reason for it. Now, people who are in it for the money are a different animal. Talk about being delusional!"

Who's the Boss?

            "Promoters don't want the athletes making more money than they do.  Let's face it, baseball players making $8 million a year are calling the shots.  The team and the league cater to their needs because they're the calling card.  They draw the fans. Isn't Ronnie Coleman the guy who's really bringing everyone in to watch the Mr. Olympia? The athletes need to have more authority and money. The two are intertwined.

            "Lee Priest is right. If you're gonna use our pictures to sell a show, we should at least get some share of the profits! It's called compensation.

            "To make the Mr. Olympia the real Super Bowl of bodybuilding, we need perks for the athletes, a cash incentive for making it there and appearance fees in addition to prize money."

Biggest Travesty of All?

            "Athletes having to pay for their pro cards!"

NPC Sanction Fees

"Where the hell did my money go?"

Greed, My Dear Slave

"Answer to both questions above."

Show of No Money

"What a load of BS! It's no different from dropping out of a show the day before. We get fined five grand for that! The athletes should have fined the IFBB.  They have the right to sue for breach of contract. If you signed a contract stating that first prize was $100,000, only to see it dropped, that's a lawsuit! If you hold a show and it loses money, does that mean you don't have to pay the people that appear? No. It's not the athletes' fault."

Jumbo the Inmate?

"I feel deeply about my conviction in life. I said right from the start, that if anything ever happens to me in a legal sense, I would never pass the buck.  That's how most people get into trouble. It comes down to ‘he said, she said.' I believe in taking my own medicine. There's no need to rat people out. I want to look at myself in the mirror every morning when I wake up. I'll do my time. I'll do my five months. Then move on with my life. A lesson learned is never wasted time. I'm in a good place psychologically, because I believe in what I'm doing. I believe I'm doing the right thing. Everything happens in life for a reason. I try to see the good in all around me."

God speed, Dave. We are all pulling for you!

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JOHNNIE JACKSON:

OPERATION DESERT RAGE

An American Hero?

            I've been all over the world and I'm treated like a hero. I walk into military bases overseas and I get applause for what I've achieved in bodybuilding. I appreciate every bit of it, but it also makes me sad. The cats in the military who put their lives on the line to insure our way of life are the real heroes. It's terrible when we don't really appreciate everything they've done and the demons they have to wrestle with. Hear it firsthand from one of our real heroes, who happens to be a pro bodybuilder himself, Johnnie Jackson. Johnnie recounts the demons he had to conquer after a year overseas fighting in the first Gulf War.

Seeing the Unbelievable

"After I got back, I isolated myself from my family. They didn't know how to breach the wall I had built around myself. It's hard to understand how you should feel, seeing all that you did. They say war changes people, but unless you go through it, you'll never understand the depths of change. In a way, you have to do that when you're over there. I can't think of any other way to deal with the things you see in war."

Welcome Home

"One of the most frustrating and painful things was the way people forgot about what we in the service did over there. Sure, for the first couple of days back home, I was treated like a hero with a couple of parades and so on.  But after the initial fanfare, everybody just put it away. Nobody really asked me about it or tried to talk to me."

This is How RAMBO is Created- for Real

            "One of the other things was just getting used to regular, day-to-day living. I had gotten so used to being around uniforms, I didn't know how to interact with civilians. Every day, for an entire year, I lived a strict, regimented lifestyle. All of a sudden, normal things people did everyday seemed bizarre, even wrong, sometimes. There was nothing for that but time. You just have to live each day and get used to being back."

            You know what I find ironic? What happened to Johnnie 10 years ago in the first Gulf War launched by our current president's dad is the same experience today's Iraq veterans are facing- except much worse.

            A couple days of ago, the official U.S. Search for WMD- the primary cause for war and a cause several Bush Administration officials made the case for (under oath no less), including the President himself- was called off. They found nothing. Zilch. Nada.

            So why are we there?

            Whatever the reason, was it worth it? Well, you do the math, son. Nearly 1,400 American troops are dead, and a staggering 10,000 of America's boys are wounded. As for the innocent Iraqi civilians? The number of deaths is so high, no one even knows for sure, but the estimate is above 10,000 "friendlies" dead.

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IN THE NAME OF THE FATHER

Would any gossip column be complete without hearing the thunder from the one way Down Under? Superman Lee Priest has more guts than nearly any active IFBB pro bodybuilder. This month, Lee unleashes on the hot topic of the day, Shawn Ray and the failed Athlete's Rep seat. He gives us the 411 on why bodybuilding ain't going places. He should know, too!

Outspoken- but Nowhere to Speak

"True, Shawn's an outspoken guy, but if they give you the wrong meeting time, you're talking to air. Hey, where is everybody? The officials treated Shawn as if he were still an athlete. They didn't take him seriously."

Talk All Ya Want, We Ain't Listening

"The bottom line is that Shawn should have had a lawyer on retainer.  Someone to go over contracts and draft up a list of demands. That would have gotten their attention. In the end, we all wanted money. I know the promoters want to make their buck, but so do the athletes. There should be a meeting ground between the two."

Never Forget the Real Boss

"Fans are getting stiffed and they're tired of it. Keep ticking them off and they won't come to the contests anymore. Say goodbye to bodybuilding, mate!"

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REAL PISSED OFF

The Real Deal is out for blood. He's got a vendetta to fulfill. He's blasting to kill at the Arnold. In between getting in full battle regalia, he gave us the real on the happenings of a professional bodybuilder's life. But first, Chris is coming at you in full color, no joke. He's pissed off and here's why.

            Tested Battle Cat

"I'm a warrior, but I don't feel I'm getting the respect I deserve."

Beat Me at My Best

"Don't think you're a better bodybuilder than me just because you beat me at some contest no one even remembers. Beat me at my best and then talk."

It's a Marathon- Not Sprint

"I compete at shows even if my body's not ready because it's in the contract. Nobody throws down as much as I do. I've competed endlessly. I'm in this for the long haul. I'm an athlete, that's what I do. I'm here to make history."

Why Competing isn't Fun Anymore

"All the reasons I listed above."

The Arnold Classic Is THE SHOW!

• I'm not excited about the Olympia anymore.
• I can't compete in two major shows every year and live to tell about it.
• If I win the Arnold, I'll skip the Olympia to prepare for next year's Arnold.

Rico "Suave"

"Rico knows how to twist the best of them. He's the master of ripping people apart. We were kicking it at a club once, and he had this girl so riled up that she had to get some big ole' white boy to challenge my man in the gym!  Can you believe that? I was on the leg press and up comes this dude going ‘What's up, what's up?' right in Rico's face, ready to get her back. Luckily, the   dude changed his mind. (Laughing) Homeboy put it in reverse right quick!  Smart move, buddy."

Lee Priest, Professional Comedian

"Lee, San Francisco was a fluke, dude! It should have never happened.  This is how it should have finished: Me, 1^st place, Dexter, 2^nd place, Lee, 3^rd place.

"Here's why I really placed third. I was the returning champ. I was in shape, but I didn't get called out in the first round. I won't say who committed this error, but he had me in first place throughout the entire show. I saw it on paper! He thought I was a slam-dunk, so he didn't see the need to call me out in the first round. So, that warped the other judges' perception.  That's what really went down that night. I know Superman ain't supposed to lie, but don't believe everything the Man of Steel tells you! (Laughing) You know you my homie, Lee." 

Alexander Feder- Who?

            We've all heard about Alexander Federov, the Russian freak, being coined by some other magazine as a potential contender against Ronnie. This is old news now, but seeing that I never got a chance to hit up The Real Deal on this joke, I'll make it news, son! Here is Chris' blow-by-blow assessment of the Federov propaganda.

• Show me something besides the one side-triceps shot.
• Let's see the torn pec in action.
• Where's the short torso?
• Where's the ab shot?
• Show me the thigh separation.
• Should try throwing down somewhere other than his own backyard.
• Just another Jean Pierre Fux.
• He needs to prove himself first.
• Flex Magazine heralding him as the next greatest thing don't mean shit to me!

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HOLLYWOOD CICH

            Bob Cicherillo has gone big time! Or, at least basic cable. Catch Bob in "See Arnold Run," the A&E channel's movie about Arnold's run for California governor. Cich baby had some interesting experiences on the set. This is what happened in fabled Tinsel Town, as told to me by Cich baby.

I Was Born to Play Lou

Yeah, I think it's ridiculous that they hired a guy almost 40-years old and about 5'9."

            "Believe it or not, that's a direct quote from Lou Ferrigno. Yes, the Incredible Hulk is bitter as a lemon for not getting to play himself in the movie.  This left me speechless, which is saying a lot, because as you know, Flex, I'm rarely at a loss for words. We had gotten along for years and he slaps me in the face with line when I went up to him to say I was excited about playing him in the movie. I've never been more disappointed in someone."

Lou Surrounded by Enemies

"Apparently, Lou is a lovable teddy bear. He and Mike O'Hearn trained together for years. You wouldn't know it by the way he stabbed Mike in the back and then twisted that knife for good measure.

            "It seems Lou's wife didn't appreciate Mike using a picture of him and Lou on his website. Lou brushed it off and proceeded to unload on Mike about how their training styles clashed. I don't know what ensued, but Mike said, ‘See ya!' The two haven't spoken since. Geez Lou, you're a real people person."

Class and Ass

I had my time, kid.  Now it's your time to use the name.

            "This is what Dave Draper said to Chris Cook when Chris apologized for using Dave's nickname- the Blonde Bomber- as his own. Now, that's class!"

            And with a REBEL YELL, she cried mo' mo' mo. But I ain't getting paid enough to write any mo', so we out until next month. Peace!