BY THE TIME YOU READ THIS COLUMN IT WILL BE OLD NEWS, BUT I JUST DID A STINT ON "THE TONIGHT SHOW" WITH JAY LENO... IT TURNS OUT THAT JAY LENO HIMSELF SAW ME IN THE NATIONAL ENQUIRER AND HAD HIS STAFF CALL ME TO MAKE AN APPEARANCE ON HIS NUMBER ONE RATED TV SHOW... MR. LENO FLEW ME OUT FIRST CLASS AMERICAN AIRLINES AND PUT ME UP IN THE UNIVERSAL STUDIOS GRAND HILTON HOTEL... ROOM 1664 TO BE EXACT... WOW... IT WAS AWESOME... IT HAD A TV IN THE BATHROOM AND A PHONE NEXT TO THE TOILET PAPER... WHAT MORE COULD A GUY ASK FOR?... I SPEND A LOT OF TIME ON THE SHITTER AND THIS WAS A GIFT FROM GOD TO ME... THE NEXT DAY... MR. LENO SENT A TOWN CAR TO GET ME AND IT BROUGHT ME TO THE FAMOUS NBC BURBANK CALIFORNIA STUDIO... THE SAME STUDIO ARNOLD HIMSELF GOES TO ALL THE TIME... WHY I EVEN SHIT IN THEIR BATHROOM... MY ASS SAT ON THE SAME TOILET SEAT AS GOVERNOR ARNOLD... AFTER I TOOK MY FIRST OF TWO SHITS  (THE PLANE RIDE KILLS ME) I HAD REHEARSALS AT 2 PM AND THEN WE TAPED THE SHOW AT 4 PM... IT WAS FUCKING AWESOME... EVERYTHING WAS SCRIPTED EVEN THOUGH IT LOOKED REAL TIME... JAY MADE ME WEAR A PROP JACKET TO HIDE MY MUSCLES SO AT THE LAST SECOND I COULD TAKE IT OFF AND SHOCK EVERYONE

I GOTTA TELL YOU ALL, I HIT IT OFF GREAT WITH LENO AND EVEN BETTER WITH HIS BAND MEMBERS... I GAGGED WHEN KEVIN EUBANKS, THE FAMOUS TONIGHT SHOW BANDLEADER TOLD ME HE READS MY COLUMN... HE KNEW EXACTLY WHO I WAS WHEN I ARRIVED... YES FOLKS... THIS IS NO BULLSHIT... KEVIN IS A BIG BODYBUILDING FAN AND READS MD MAGAZINE EVERY MONTH... HE TOLD ME HE HAS BEEN READING MUSCULAR DEVELOPMENT FOR YEARS... HE TOLD ME MY COLUMN IS CRAZY AND LAUGHED... KEVIN AND I EVEN TOOK PICTURES TOGETHER... IT REALLY WAS SO AWESOME... ONE OF THE GUYS... THE BASS PLAYER TO BE EXACT... ASKED ME TO TRAIN HIM... WELL GIVEN THE FACT THAT I LIVE IN THE NEW YORK CITY AREA, WE ALL TRADED PHONE NUMBERS AND I WILL BE GIVING HIM AND KEVIN ADVICE OVER THE PHONE... NO CHARGE... AS FOR JAY LENO... HE WAS SO NICE TO ME... HE GAVE ME THE SCRIPT OF THE SHOW AND TOOK A PUBLICITY PHOTO WITH ME... HE EVEN GAVE ME A T-SHIRT... NOW GET THIS SHIT...  TWO DAYS AFTER I GOT BACK TO NY CITY "THE STEVE HARVEY SHOW" CALLED ME... STEVE HARVEY WANTS ME TO BE ON HIS SHOW NOW... WHO KNOWS... BY THE TIME YOU READ THIS I MAY HAVE ALREADY BEEN ON THAT SHOW AS WELL.... AND AS FOR MY VIDEO WITH KID ROCK... WE WERE SUPPOSED TO SHOOT IT OCTOBER 4TH BUT ‘'KID'' HAD TO CHANGE THE DATE... BUT I WILL BE DOING THE VIDEO WITH HIM SOON TOO... KEEP AN EYE ON ESPN MAGAZINE CAUSE I JUST DID SOMETHING FOR THEM AS WELL... LISTEN UP... I KNOW HOW THIS KILLS THE ASSHOLES THAT POST SHIT ABOUT ME ON THE INTERNET, BUT HEY... I'M LAUGHING MY ASS OFF RIGHT IN THEIR PATHETIC FACES... AND GET THIS... STEVE BLECHMAN IS LAUGHING JUST AS HARD WITH ME.

              LAST MONTH I TOLD YOU ABOUT A NIGHT OUT AT THE SOUND FACTORY WITH THE KING OF BODYBUILDING... THAT'S KING KAMALI... KING WAS THERE WITH NEW WIFE AND HIS SISTER WHO IS A VERY NICE QUIET AND SWEET GIRL... I GUESS KING GOT ALL THE VOCAL CHORDS IN THE FAMILY... KAMALI OFFERED TO BUY ME ANOTHER STALE DIET SODA... BUT I DECLINED... I WAS WITH BOB BONHAM AS USUAL... KING WAS LOOKING BIG AS A MOTHERFUCKER... WIDE AS HELL AND SUPER THICK... HE INTRODUCED ME TO HIS SISTER AS THE GUY WITH THE BIGGEST ARMS IN THE WORLD... HIS SISTER ALMOST THREW UP LOOKING AT ME... SHE FELT MY ARMS AND I COULD TELL SHE WAS GROSSED OUT... KAMALI WAS GRINNING FROM EAR TO EAR AND EATING IT ALL UP... HIS SISTER WAS VERY NICE TO ME EVEN THOUGH I MADE HER FEEL ILL... I LIKE KING, HE AND I GET ALONG REALLY WELL... WE CAN BOTH THROW THE SHIT WITH ANYONE... WHEN HE AND I ARE IN THE FACTORY AND WE GET STARTED TALKING FORGET ABOUT IT... IT'S LIKE TWO GUYS ON 10 EPHEDRINES EACH... WE JUST KEEP GABBING AWAY... ONE THING THAT KING TOLD ME WAS THAT HE WISHES I DIDN'T BASH HIS BOY BOB CICHERILLO SO MUCH... HE TOLD ME BOB IS HIS BOY... I TOLD HIM THAT BOB COULD BE MY BOY TOO IF HE GETS ON HIS KNEES WITH THE KNEE PADS... YO' FELLAS CALM DOWN...  I'M JUST PLAYIN... I BASH BOB CAUSE HE HAS SAID SHIT TO MY FRIENDS ABOUT ME AND CAUSE HE IS A DICK... IT'S THAT PLAIN AND SIMPLE.

NOW LISTEN UP... I TOLD KING THIS TOO... I LIKE CRAIG TITUS TOO... I FEEL THAT TITUS HAS BALLS AND PERSONALITY JUST LIKE KAMALI... I WISH THESE TWO GUYS WOULD BURY THEIR BEEF WITH EACH OTHER... BOTH KAMALI AND TITUS ARE REALLY GOOD GUYS AND ARE FULL OF PERSONALITY AND FIRE... BODYBUILDING NEEDS MORE PERSONALITY AT THE PRO LEVEL ... I HAVE ALWAYS LIKED THE BODYBUILDERS WHO ARE OUTSPOKEN AND CONTROVERSIAL... KINDA LIKE THE WILD CHILD TYPE OF BODYBUILDERS... LIKE MIKE QUINN, MIKE MATARAZZO, PETE GRYMKOWSKI, JOHN BROWN, ETC.... YES THEY MAY NOT BE GOD LIKE BODYBUILDERS SUCH AS LEE HANEY OR RONNIE COLEMAN... WHO IN MY OPINION ARE THE TWO GREATEST BODYBUILDERS OF ALL TIME... BUT THEY ARE VERY COLORFUL AND FULL OF FLAVOR.

 AH FUCK IT... WHO REALLY CARES?... BODYBUILDING FOR ME IS ON THE BACK BURNER THIS TIME OF YEAR... RIGHT NOW IT'S OCTOBER AND MY MIND IS ON MY YANKEES... LET'S GO YANKEES... PLAYOFF TIME... YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS RIGHT?... TIME FOR ME TO START SHITTING MY PANTS... I CAN'T TAKE IT WHEN THE YANKS LOSE... THE YANKEES ARE ONE OF THE FEW PLEASURES STILL LEFT IN MY LIFE... I DON'T KNOW WHAT FEELS BETTER TO ME... A YANKEE WIN OR A GHETTO BITCH'S MOUTH PLAYIN MY SKIN FLUTE... ACTUALLY I THINK I PERFER THE YANKEES WIN... ISN'T THAT PATHETIC OF ME?... SORRY TO SAY BODYBUILDING FANS BUT... FUCK THE MR. OLYMPIA... OCTOBER IS YANKEE TIME... THE NEXT BEST THING TO A YANKEE WIN IS A BOSTON RED SOX LOSS... SORRY, BUT I'M A YANKEE FANATIC... I FOLLOW THEM ALL YEAR ROUND... EVEN SPRING TRAINING AND MINOR LEAUGE STUFF... I'M A REAL YANKEE FAN... NOT JUST A FAN IN THE PLAYOFFS... PERSONALLY I LOVE BASEBALL... IT'S BY FAR MY FAVORITE SPORT... I WATCH EVERY GAME I CAN... EVEN THE COLLEGE WORLD SERIES AND THE LITTLE LEAGUE NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIPS... FOR ME, IT'S ALL GOOD... RIGHT NOW THOUGH... IT'S POST-SEASON TIME AND I'M SHITTING ABOUT 10 TIMES A DAY FROM NERVES... THE YANKEES DO THAT TO ME.

AS FAR AS SPORTS GO... I LOVE ALL SPORTS... AFTER BASEBALL IT'S RANGER HOCKEY TIME FOR ME... NEW YORK ALL THE WAY... I WILL NEVER GO AGAINST A NEW YORK TEAM... IF THE YANKEES DON'T MAKE IT MY SECOND CHOICE IS THE METS... IN FOOTBALL IT'S GIANTS AND JETS FOR ME AND IN HOCKEY IT'S THE RANGERS, THEN DEVILS, THEN ISLANDERS... BASKETBALL I HATE... BUT IF I HAD TO PICK A TEAM IT WOULD BE THE KNICKS... GETTING BACK TO BASEBALL FOR A SECOND, I HATE THE BOSTON RED SOX MORE THAN ANY TEAM IN SPORTS... A CLOSE SECOND IN THE HATE DEPARTMENT FOR ME IS THE ATLANTA BRAVES... HEY, BUT THAT'S ALL PART OF BEING A YANKEE FAN... MOST BODYBUILDERS ARENT BIG SPORTS FANS... THEY MAYBE LIKE FOOTBALL CAUSE IT'S MACHO... BUT FOR ME, IT'S ALL SPORTS... I LOVE TRACK AND FIELD, GYMNASTICS (I LOVE GIRLS GYMNASTICS TOO... IT'S THE ONLY WOMENS SPORT I WILL WATCH... NOT JUST CAUSE I LOVE THEIR TINY LITTLE ASSES RUNNING AROUND... WHAT GUY DOESN'T?) AND BOXING... I LOVE ALL OLYMPIC SPORTS... I WAS SUCH A GOOD ATHLETE WHEN I WAS A KID... TWO YEARS IN A ROW I WAS ON THE PRESIDENTS ALL AMERICAN TEAM AND I GOT TWO PERSONALLY SIGNED AWARDS FROM PRESIDENT NIXON... HOW'S THAT FOR SHOWING MY AGE?

 I'M A SPORTS FANATIC... I'LL PLAY ANY SPORT... I'M TALKING ABOUT REAL SPORTS ATHLETIC STUFF... SHIT... LIKE CAR RACING AIN'T A SPORT AND I HATE IT... TELL LEE PRIEST NASCAR IS FOR GUYS WHO AIN'T ATHLETIC... HELL I EVEN GO TO THE GOLF COURSE AND DRIVING RANGE ALL THE TIME... BY THE WAY I'M WORKING ON A VIDEO THAT IS A LIFESTYLE VIDEO SHOWING ME HITTING FASTBALLS LEFT AND RIGHTY, THROWING A FOOTBALL, SHOOTING BASKETS IN HOOPS... I LOVE TO PLAY BASKETBALL BUT CAN'T WATCH IT... THERE AIN'T A SPORT I CAN'T PLAY EXCEPT HOCKEY, CAUSE I CAN'T SKATE... NOW I KNOW SOME OF YOU THINK CAUSE I'M SHORT AND MY ARMS ARE HUGE THAT I CAN'T MOVE... RIGHT?... YOU'RE WRONG... I CAN HIT A 90 MPH FASTBALL AND I CAN THROW HANDS IN THE RING... AS A MATTER OF FACT... HOWARD STERN STILL WANTS ME TO FIGHT MARKY MARK WAHLBERG IN THE RING... I'LL KILL WAHLBERG THAT BITCH...  TRUST ME... WE FOUGHT ONCE IN THE LIMELIGHT NIGHTCLUB AND HE COULDN'T DO SHIT... IT TOOK 20 OF HIS BOYS TO JUMP ON ME AND MY PARTNER PAUL... YO MARKY MARK IF YOU ARE READING THIS... YOU'RE A CUNTBAG AND I WANT A REMATCH... IN THE RING WITHOUT YOUR BOYS... JUST YOU AND ME... ANYWAY, ENOUGH OF MY MACHO BULLSHIT...  WHEN MY VIDEO COMES OUT YOU'LL SEE ME DO IT ALL... ANYWAY I GOTTA GO HIT THE CAN... THE YANKEES ARE COMING ON IN A FEW MINUTES AND MY STOMACH IS ACTING UP... LET'S GO YANKEES!

I TELL YA... I JUST GOT HOME FROM PICKING UP MY KIDS AT SCHOOL.... ALL I GOTTA SAY IS... NO WONDER WHY GUYS TODAY GOT LOW TESTOSTERONE... ALL I SEE IS FAT WHITE MOTHERS WITH THEIR PANTS PULLED UP TO THEIR BIG FAT TITS, HOLDING A DUNKIN' DONUTS COFFEE IN THEIR HAND STANDING NEXT TO THEIR SUV OR ASTRO VAN TALKING TO OTHER GROSS LOOKING FAT MOTHERS ABOUT HOW LITTLE JOEY IS DOING IN SCHOOL... THEN YOU SEE THE HENPECKED FATHERS WALKING IN TOO... WEARING THEIR PREPPY LOOKING SHORTS... A POLO SHIRT... WITH NO SOX AND DOCK SHOES OR SANDLES... I CAN'T TAKE IT... NO WONDER WHY WHITE DUDES GOT NO TESTOSTERONE... JUST LOOKING AT THESE FAT MOMS AND LOST SOULS CALLED DADS MAKES MY DICK FEEL THEIR PAIN... I WOULDN'T WANNA BANG ANY OF THOSE NASTY FAT WOMEN EITHER... MAYBE IT'S JUST ME... BUT I LOVE BEING SINGLE... MY TEST LEVELS DROP LOWER EVERYDAY THAT I GO TO THE SCHOOL TO PICK UP MY KIDS... TO BE HONEST WITH YOU ALL... I BEEN TRYIN TO JERK OFF A LITTLE MORE LATELY TO HELP COMBAT THIS FAT WHITE YUPPY MOM SYNDROME... I FIRMLY BELIEVE THAT JERKING OFF AT LEAST ONCE A DAY HELPS MY TEST LEVELS COME BACK UP TO WHERE THEY SHOULD BE... PLUS IT HELPS YOU FALL ASLEEP FASTER AT BEDTIME AND IT'S A GREAT EXCUSE TO RUB ONE OUT... SOMETIMES I FALL ASLEEP WHEN IN THE MIDDLE OFF A JERK-OFF SESSION AND WAKE UP WITH MY LIMP WEINER IN MY GREASED UP HAND... I HATE THAT SHIT.

I GUESS YOU MUST HAVE FIGURED IT OUT BY NOW THAT I'M IN A ‘'GETTING LAID DROUGHT''... MY RIGHT HAND IS MY BEST GIRLFRIEND THESE DAYS... I WANNA BUY A LITTLE WIG FOR MY HAND AND SOME BIG HOOP EARINGS WITH A HEADBAND (GHETTO GIRL STYLE)... JUST KIDDING GUYS, OK MAYBE I'M NOT... BUT STILL, SOMETIMES I JERK OFF OUT OF SHEER BOREDOM CAUSE I GOT TOO MUCH GODDAMN TIME ON MY HANDS... YEAH BUT LIFE IS GOOD TO ME RIGHT NOW... ALL I REALLY NEED IS A LITTLE BIT OF FITNESS BABE KIM KLIEN IN MY LIFE... NOW THAT GIRL MAKES MY TESTOSTERONE LEVELS PULSATE... WHEN YOU THINK ABOUT IT AND PUT IT ALL IN PERSPECTIVE FOR MY SAGGING LIMP TESTOSTERONE LEVELS... I FEEL MY BEST REMEDIES ARE AS FOLLOWS...

1 BOTTLE OF 10,000 IU OF HCG... 50 BUCKS... 14 CLOMID PILLS (TWO WEEK SUPPLY)... 25 BUCKS... ONE 50MG TAB OF VIAGRA...10 BUCKS... CENTERFOLD OF MD MAGAZINE... $6.99... KIM KLIEN, BARE ASS OR IN A G STRING... FUCKING PRICELESS... YO KIMMY... HOLLA AT YOUR BOY... MY TEST LEVELS NEED YOU... BAD.

           HEY GUYS LISTEN UP... THE OTHER DAY I TALKED TO MY VERY, VERY GOOD FRIEND FOR OVER 20 YEARS AND VICE PRESIDENT OF THE NABBA BODYBUILDING FEDERATION... ALEX ABBEY... ALEX IS ALSO VERY CLOSE WITH IFBB PROS ‘'JOHNNY D'' JOHN DEFENDIS AND POLISH CHAMPION/ IFBB PRO CASEY KYUCHARIK... ALEX IS SECOND IN COMMAND OF THE NABBA TO ANOTHER LONGTIME FRIEND OF MINE AND THE REAL ‘'TRAINER OF CHAMPIONS''... LONGTIME BODYBUILDING ICON BOB GRUSKIN... NOW, LET ME JUST TELL YOU ALL THAT BOB GRUSKIN IS A LEGEND IN THIS SPORT... HE HAS HELPED SUPERSTARS LIKE ARNOLD AND LEE HANEY BECOME WHO THEY ARE IN THE SPORT TODAY... I SHIT YOU NOT... WAY BEFORE CHAD NICHOLS COULD EVEN SPELL THE WORD BODYBUILDING GRUSKIN WAS TRAINING THE LEGENDS OF BODYBUILDING... GRUSKIN ALSO USED TO JUDGE THE MR. OLYMPIA YEARS AGO... HE EVEN HELPED THE GREAT FEMALE BODYBUILDING LEGEND BEV FRANCIS WHEN SHE FIRST CAME HERE TO THE USA... AS A MATTER OF FACT BOB GRUSKIN WAS ONE TIME VERY CLOSE WITH JOE WEIDER HIMSELF... UNTIL THEY HAD A FALLOUT... BOB GRUSKIN IS ONE OF THE MOST RESPECTED NAMES IN BODYBUILDING'S HISTORY... I HAVE BEEN LUCKY ENOUGH TO PERSONALLY KNOW BOB GRUSKIN FOR OVER 20 YEARS... HE IS A GREAT MAN AND TRUE FRIEND... SAME WITH ALEX ABBEY WHO HAS BEEN MY FRIEND SINCE THE 1970S... I'M GONNA TALK TO STEVE BLECHMAN AND ASK HIM IF I CAN INTERVIEW GRUSKIN FOR MD... YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE THE SHIT GRUSKIN KNOWS AND THE STORIES OF INSIDE SHIT FROM BODYBUILDING'S PAST... REALLY GUYS, HE WAS THERE WHEN ARNOLD JUST STARTED OUT AND HAS STORIES ABOUT EVEN THE GREAT ARNOLD THAT YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE... MY RESPECT TO BOTH OF THESE TWO LONGTIME BODYBUILDING JOURNEYMEN... ALEX ABBEY AND THE LEGENDARY BOB GRUSKIN... PROPS TO YOU BOTH... IT'S JUST A SHAME THAT THE NABBA ISN'T STRONGER IN THE USA... REMEMBER IT'S BEEN AROUND A VERY LONG TIME... WAY BEFORE THE IFBB... AS A MATTER OF FACT ARNOLD WAS REALLY A NABBA ATHELETE WHO WON THE IFBB OLYMPIA... TODAY ARNOLD WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN ABLE TO COMPETE IN THE OLYMPIA CAUSE HE WAS A NABBA BOY... BUT THEN AGAIN THEY WOULD HAVE BENT THE RULES FOR HIM... IFBB STYLE... KEEP IN MIND THAT IN EUROPE NABBA IS KING... EVEN TODAY... AND ARNOLD WAS FROM EUROPE.

ONE LAST THING... IT'S OFFICIAL... MY TWO BOYS BOB BONHAM AND CARLO FILIPPONE ARE RUNNING THE 2004 WOMEN'S EXTRAVAGANZA IN SEPTEMBER OF NEXT YEAR... THIS PAST YEAR 2003 IS THE FIRST YEAR BONHAM DIDN'T RUN THIS VERY BIG SHOW... HE NEEDED TO TAKE THIS YEAR OFF... BUT YOU CAN BET NEXT YEAR HE WILL BE BACK WITH A VENGEANCE... THINK ABOUT THIS... ONE YEAR BONHAM RAN THE EXTRAVAGANZA IN CONJUNCTION WITH THE MS. OLYMPIA.... I CAN'T WAIT CAUSE I GET TO GO BACKSTAGE AND SEE ALL THOSE TIGHT LITTLE FITNESS GIRLS' ASSES WALKING AROUND TEASING ME... I'M AN ASS MAN... BIG TIME... YOU ALL KNOW MY ASS MAN MOTTO... ‘'GIVE HER SOME SPAM, THAT'S HAM IN THE CAN''... HER ASS CAN TO BE EXACT... BEING A CONNOISSEUR OF FINE ASSES... THIS HAS BEEN MY CREED, MY MOTTO... UNFORTUNATELY I'M IN A DRY SPELL... THE ONLY ASS I BEEN SEEING IS MY OWN WHEN I LOOK IN THE MIRROR... HEY... AM I SUPPOSED TO GET TURNED ON BY SEEING MY OWN ASS?... THEN WHY DO I? AAAHH NEVER MIND... ANYWAY, BOB AND CARLO ARE ALREADY PREPARING FOR NEXT YEAR'S EVENT RIGHT NOW... THE EXTRAVAGANZA RETURNS AND BONHAM SAID WITH CARLO'S INTENSE DRIVE THIS SHOW WILL BE MORE EXCITING THAN THE OLYMPIA... DON'T BET AGAINST THESE TWO GUYS... I'LL BE THERE TOO TO SUPPORT THEM... IF YOU WANNA MEET ME... THEN SHOW UP THERE AND LOOK FOR THE BACKSTAGE BATHROOM... I'LL BE SNIFFING THE DOOR CRACK AND HOPEFULLY SOME FITNESS GIRL ASS CRACK.

MY MS. OLYMPIA MARIANNA KOMLOS

            I JUST GOT OFF THE PHONE WITH MY BOY BOB BONHAM AND HE HAD JUST BEEN TALKING TO HIS LONGTIME GOOD FRIEND AND TOTALLY HOT FEMALE BODYBUILDING BABE MARIANNA KAMLOS... MARIANNA TOLD HIM TO TELL ME SHE SAID HELLO... LET ME FIRST TELL YOU SOMETHING ABOUT THIS GIRL... MARIANNA HAS BEEN ON THE COVER OF MUSCLE & FITNESS MAGAZINE AND WAS CONSIDERED BY SOME TO BE THE HOTTEST BODYBUILDING BABE ON THE PLANET BACK IN THE LATER ‘90S... MISS MARIANNA WAS ALSO ONCE WITH THE WWF AS ONE OF THEIR HOT BABES OF WRESTLING... I KNOW MARIANNA CAUSE SHE HAS BEEN TO THE GYM THAT I OWNED AND SHE WAS ALWAYS A SWEETHEART TO ME AND EVERYONE AT MY GYM... NOW SOME OF YOU MAY KNOW HER AS A CHAMPION FEMALE BODYBUILDER... BUT IN REALITY SHE IS A BIGGER CHAMPION IN THIS GAME OF LIFE... I'LL EXPLAIN IT LIKE THIS... I KNOW THAT WHEN WE ALL SEE HER, WE SEE MARIANNA AS A HOT FEMALE BODYBUILDING BIKINI BABE WITH KILLER LOOKS AS WELL AS AN ASS THAT MAKES EVEN MY LIMP DEAD PATHETIC DICK PERK ITS HEAD UP AND LOOK FOR A WARM MOIST HIDING PLACE... BUT... I KNOW IT'S HARD TO DO... BUT FORGET ABOUT HER HOT TIGHT ASS FOR A MOMENT... YOU SEE HER CAREER WAS KICKING SOME MAJOR ASS AND SHE WAS MAKING A BIG NAME FOR HERSELF WHEN THE BOTTOM OF IT ALL SEEMED TO FALL OUT FOR HER... SHE AND HER SISTER BOTH CAME DOWN WITH BREAST CANCER AT THE SAME TIME AND NOW SHE WAS IN FOR THE BATTLE OF HER LIFE... ALL THE GRUELING WORKOUTS IN THE GYM COULDN'T COMPARE TO THE BATTLE SHE PUT UP FOR HER LIFE... BUT NOW I'M HAPPY TO SAY SHE HAS BEATEN THE CANCER AND HAS GOTTEN BACK ON THE ROAD TO FULL RECOVERY... WAY TO GO MISS MARIANNA... I HOPE YOU AND YOUR SISTER HAVE PUT THE WORST BEHIND YOU NOW AND PUT YOUR ‘'BEST BEHIND'' (YOUR ASS) OUT THERE AND ROCK SOCK THEM ALL AGAIN... OOOPS SORRY I JUST HAD TO SAY THAT.

GUYS TRUST ME... I KNOW A TON OF PRO FEMALE BODYBUUILDERS AND FITNESS CHICKS... NONE OF THEM ARE AS PRETTY IN THE FACE AS MARIANNA... YOU GOT TO SEE THEM UP CLOSE... WOW... THEY ARE ALL BODY WITH FIERCE FACES... I MEAN DON'T GET ME WRONG... THERE ARE A FEW CUTIES IN THE SPORT... BUT MARIANNA CAN HOLD HER OWN WITH ANY FITNESS, FIGURE OR ESPECIALLY FEMALE BODYBUILDER IN THE LOOKS DEPARTMENT... THAT'S WHY SHE HAD A WWF CONTRACT... CAUSE SHE HAD BODY AND FACE... YOU GO MISS MARIANNA... SERVE THAT SHIT UP PROPER LIKE... LET'S SEE THAT TIGHT SEXY ASS BACK ON STAGE... HEY I THINK A GREAT COMEBACK FOR MARIANNA WOULD BE AT BOB BONHAM'S WOMEN'S EXTRAVAGANZA... HINT, HINT... ANYWAY, MARIANNA IS STILL A BIG FAVORITE BABE WITH ALL THE DROOLING GUYS AND BABBLING IDIOTS ON A POPULAR FITNESS MESSAGE BOARD... MOST OF THE GUYS SUCK UP TO HER AND ARE NICE... THEY KNOW THEIR PLACE WITH HER... SHE AIN'T NO PUSHOVER CAUSE SHE IS A GIRL... SHE WILL FIGHT A GUY, OOOH, I THINK I KINDA LIKE THAT... I'M GETTING HARD THINKING ABOUT IT... I WONDER HOW SHE WOULD LOOK GHETTO STYLE... BIG HOOP EARINGS AND BANDANA ON THE HEAD OR KANGO HAT (VERY BANJI CUNT LOOKING) WITH SHORT BELLY BUTTON SHIRT, BAGGY PANTS AND BIG WHITE SNEAKERS... ALL THAT WITH HER LOOKS AND BODY... WOW... NOW I'M REALLY HARD... OK I'LL STOP.

ANYWAY, GETTING BACK TO REALITY HERE... AS A MATTER OF FACT MARIANNA HAS EVEN STUCK UP FOR ME A FEW TIMES ON THAT BOARD... AND GOTTEN BASHED BECAUSE OF IT... IT SEEMS ALL THE MUSCLE WORSHIPPERS AND "KNOW IT ALLS'' THAT POST ON THAT BOARD THINK I LOOK RIDICULOUS AND GROSS... WELL I SAY TO THEM ALL... HEY YOU'RE RIGHT... I DO LOOK GROSS...THAT'S ME ALL RIGHT... BUT THEN AGAIN WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?... MARIANNA HAS STUCK UP FOR ME AND GOTTEN BASHED BY THESE INTERNET COWARDS WHO ONE MOMENT KISS HER ASS THEN BASH HER FOR VOICING HER OPINION ABOUT ME... IMAGINE THAT SHIT... GUYS WHO AIN'T NEVER GONNA AMOUNT TO LESS THAN A PILE OF SHIT START BASHING A GIRL WHO HAS BEEN THROUGH MORE SHIT THAN THESE NOBODYS COULD SHOVEL THEMSELVES... YES THESE GUYS HAVE BASHED HER FOR STICKING UP FOR ME... THIS GIRL HAS HAD A MAJOR CAREER IN FRONT OF HER THAT SHE BUILT FROM NOTHING... THEN GOT EVERYTHING PULLED AWAY FROM HER AND HAD TO FIGHT THE ODDS JUST TO SAVE HER LIFE... THE GIRL WAS IN A HOSPITAL BED SICK AS A DOG AND LOST HER BREASTS WHILE FIGHTING TO JUST SURVIVE AND THESE FUCKING NOBODYS HAVE THE NERVE TO DARE PUT HER DOWN JUST CAUSE SHE SAID A FEW NICE THINGS ABOUT A JERKOFF LIKE ME... THESE GUYS THAT BASH HER ARE PUSSY ASS BITCHES AND I WOULD SHOW THEM JUST HOW BAD MY RETARDED LOOKING ARMS WOULD BEAT THEIR COWARD ASSES.

 I'M A VERY EASY GOING GUY... BUT LET ME TELL YOU ALL... I'M THE TOY CANNON... IF I GET PISSED OFF I'LL FUCK BLOW A CANNON BALL OUT OF MY ASS AND FIGHT MIKE TYSON EVEN IN A LOSING CAUSE... I'M NOT TRYING TO BE A TUFF GUY, BUT I HATE COWARDS AND RATS... LISTEN UP... SAY WHAT YOU WANT ABOUT ME, BUT DON'T PULL ANYONE ELSE INTO IT OR BASH ANYONE FOR THEIR OPINION... NOW I SAY TO ALL YOU HATERS YOU COULDN'T EVEN HOLD MARIANNA'S BRA STRAP... YOU'RE A BUNCH OF FUCKING COWARDS... YOU WOULD BE CRYING LIKE A BITCH IF YOU HAD TO GO THROUGH HALF OF WHAT THIS GIRL HAS BEEN THROUGH IN HER LIFE... THIS GOES FOR THE JERKOFF NO-LIFE MODERATORS AND THE WEBSITE OWNER WHO IS A SCHMO AND THE OBVIOUS CLOSET KING OF THE MUSCLE WORSHIPPERS... IMAGINE SITTING AROUND ALL DAY JUST TALKING ABOUT BUILT GUYS AND BODYBUILDING ALL THE TIME... HOLY SHIT... LISTEN BOYS... BASH ME IF YOU WANT... I DON'T CARE CAUSE IN REALITY YOU'RE A BUNCH OF NOBODYS... YOUR OPINION OF ME MEANS NOTHING TO ME... IN FACT I THINK IT'S KINDA FUNNY... AS FOR MARIANNA, SHE HAS WON THE ‘'LIFE OLYMPIA'' ALREADY... I TAKE MY HAT OFF TO HER... NO BODYBUILDING SHOW CAN EVEN COME CLOSE TO THE BATTLE THIS GIRL HAS WON IN HER LIFE ALREADY... YOU'RE BULLIES... BULLIES ARE LIKE RATS WHEN THEY ARE CORNERED... I'M LIKE A SNAKE... I EAT RATS... KEEP YOUR BASHING TOWARD ME AND LEAVE MY FRIENDS AND FANS ALONE... NOW I SAY TOO YOU, MARIANNA, I HOPE TO SEE YOU AGAIN SOON AND MY BEST WISHES FOR YOUR TOTAL RECOVERY... I BET THAT ASS OF HERS SMELLS SWEET.

SOME RAMBLIN ABOUT MY DAYS AT GOLD'S GYM IN THE OLD DAYS

IN THE PAST I HAVE TOLD YOU A FEW CRAZY THINGS ABOUT MY GOLDEN DAYS OF BODYBUILDING... AND THE CRAZY SHIT I'VE SEEN THE PROS OF YESTERDAY DO... AND MY DAYS AT THE MECCA, GOLD'S GYM IN VENICE... BEFORE IT WAS SO COMMERCIAL LIKE IT IS TODAY... I'M TALKING ABOUT BACK WHEN THERE WAS JUST ONE GOLD'S GYM... NOT ONE IN EVERY CITY LIKE TODAY... I ALSO USED TO GO TO THE ORIGINAL WORLD GYM LIKE TWO TIMES A WEEK...  WHEN IT WAS LOCATED ABOVE A PARKING GARAGE... AS A MATTER OF FACT ARNOLD USED TO TRAIN AT THAT SAME WORLD GYM... IT WAS A VERY SMALL GYM BUILT BY JOE GOLD... FAMOUS GYM OWNER/LEGEND IN THE SPORT OF BODYBUILDING... I GOT TO KNOW JOE GOLD VERY WELL... JOE GOLD ISN'T JUST A BODYBUILDING LEGEND... HE IS AN INNOVATOR AND HELPED TO MOLD THE SPORT THAT WE KNOW TODAY... ANYONE THAT KNOWS ANYTHING ABOUT BODYBUILDING KNOWS JOE GOLD IS THE GUY WHO BUILT THE FIRST GOLD'S GYM... IF YOU HAVEN'T FIGURED IT OUT YET... THAT'S WHERE THE NAME GOLD'S CAME FROM... JOE GOLD THE MAN HIMSELF... GET IT? JOE GOLD, ‘'GOLDS GYM.''

THE GYM USED TO HAVE A BUNCH OF EQUIPMENT THAT JOE MADE HIMSELF WITH JUST A WELDER AND A BUNCH OF FREE WEIGHT PLATES AND BOX METAL... AFTER YEARS OF OWNING GOLD'S GYM, JOE GOLD SOLD IT AND THEN HE BUILT ‘'THE OTHER MECCA''... THE MEGA FAMOUS WORLD GYM... NOW KEEP IN MIND THAT WAY BACK THEN, I WAS JUST A YOUNG 21-YEAR-OLD KID FROM NEW YORK... I WAS PALE WHITE AND I USED TO SPEND ALL DAY IN THE GYM... SOMETIMES SIX HOURS STRAIGHT... MOSTLY IN GOLD'S BUT ONCE IN A WHILE I WOULD SPEND THAT AMOUNT OF TIME AT WORLD... I LOVED BODYBUILDING THAT MUCH BACK THEN... JOE GOLD USED TO BREAK MY BALLS AND TELL ME I HAD A NEW YORK TAN, MEANING I'M FUCKING PALE WHITE LIKE MOST NEW YORKERS WHO ONLY GOT TAN IN THE SUMMER BACK THEN... TANNING BEDS AND SALONS WERE JUST COMING AROUND BACK THEN... JOE GOLD'S CONSTANT BALL BREAKING MADE ME SPEND ALL DAY AT GOLD'S GYM IN THEIR TANNING BEDS TO TRY AND GET SOME COLOR... ONE DAY I WALKED IN WORLD GYM AND I WAS BRIGHT PINK... FUCKING JOE GOLD TOOK ONE LOOK AT ME AND STARTED LAUGHING REALLY HARD... HE SAID TO ME, ‘'NOW YOU LOOK LIKE A NEW YORK TOURIST‘'... JOE GOLD ALWAYS KIDDED ME AND BROKE MY PALE NUTS, BUT IN ACTUALITY HE WAS VERY NICE TO ME AND LIKED ME... I HAD FIRE IN MY EYES AND I WAS VERY BUILT, 100 PERCENT NATURALLY, NO STEROIDS... I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW WHAT STEROIDS WERE BACK THEN... SHIT MAN, I EVEN HAD A FULL HEAD OF THICK DARK ITALIAN CURLY HAIR AND I WAS A GOOD-LOOKING KID.

NOW LOOK AT ME... I LOOK LIKE UNCLE FESTER ON STEROIDS WITH A RETARDED STEROID ABUSED BODY... YES BOYS AND GIRLS... I LIKED WORLD GYM BACK THEN CAUSE IT WAS WAY MORE CLOSE KNIT AND HARDCORE THAN GOLD'S... I ADMIT THAT I TRAINED MOSTLY AT GOLD'S EVERDAY, SOMETIMES TWICE A DAY, CAUSE OF THE ATMOSPHERE AND HUGE DIVERSE AMOUNT OF EQUIPMENT... BUT I LIKED THE FACT THAT WORLD WAS SMALL, TIGHT, CRAMMED WITH EQUIPMENT AND SO HARDCORE THAT THEY NEVER PLAYED MUSIC EITHER... I LOVE THAT SHIT... ANYONE WHO KNOWS ME FROM MY GYM, POWERHOUSE IN YORKTOWN HEIGHTS NEW YORK, KNOWS I TRAINED TO NO MUSIC ALL THE TIME... YES I HAD MUSIC IN THE GYM... BUT WHEN IT WAS TIME FOR ME TO TRAIN I WOULD TURN OFF THE MUSIC... OF COURSE I TRAINED AFTER HOURS WITH A BUNCH OF MY FRIENDS... I TRAIN AT A VERY, VERY FAST PACE AND I DON'T LIKE MUSIC DISTRACTING ME... HEY BUT THAT'S JUST ME... ANYWAY I'M GETTING SIDE TRACKED AS USUAL HERE... I'M SURE NO ONE GIVES A SHIT HOW I TRAIN... I'M SURE YOU ALL WANT TO HEAR MORE ABOUT THE OLD DAYS OF THE SPORT... SO GETTING BACK TO MY STORY, JOE GOLD BROKE MY BALLS EVERY TIME HE SAW ME, BUT I LIKED THE GUY A LOT... I USED TO TRAIN IN THE LATE AFTERNOON AND WHENEVER I TOOK A BREAK FROM THE BULLSHIT OF GOLD'S GYM, I WOULD SHOOT DOWN THE STREET TO WORLD GYM AND TRAIN REALLY HARD.

I WAS IN WORLD GYM WITH BERTIL FOX, GREG DEFRRO, JOE BUCCI, ROGER CALLARD AND MANY OTHER PROS FROM BACK THEN... ON A RARE OCCASION I EVEN SAW THE GREAT GOVERNOR ARNOLD TRAIN, BUT ONLY REALLY EARLY IN THE MORNING... SOMETIMES... AFTER ONE OF MY LATE NIGHTS OUT I WOULD INTENTIONALLY STOP BY WORLD TO SEE IF ARNOLD WAS THERE... I LOVED SEEING ARNOLD IN THE GYM... HE AND JOE GOLD WERE BUDDIES AND SOMETIMES THEY WOULD BE TALKING IN THE GYM... ARNOLD TRAINED WITH A YOUNG GUY AND HE WASN'T REALLY BUSTING HIS ASS... BUT HEY... HE IS ARNOLD, RIGHT?... WHENEVER I WOULD TAKE A DAY OFF FROM GOLD'S AND WENT TO WORLD GYM, I WOULD STAY THERE ALL DAY AND BULLSHIT WITH JOE GOLD'S RIGHT HAND MAN EDDIE GUILANNI... ANYONE WHO KNOWS EDDIE KNOWS HE IS A REAL CHARACTER... HE WAS IN "PUMPING IRON" WITH ARNOLD AND HAS A TON OF GREAT BODYBUILDING STORIES... MEANWHILE HE IS WORLD GYM'S ANSWER TO KENT KUHN WHO IS GOLD'S GYM'S RESIDENT HISTORIAN... KENT KUHN WAS ALSO IN "PUMPING IRON" AND HAS ENDLESS STORIES OF HIS OWN TOO... GOLD'S GYM WAS LIKE A ZOO AND KENT SHOVELED EVERYONE'S DIRT... EVEN ARNOLD'S...

OK I TOLD YOU THAT I SEEN ARNOLD AT WORLD BUT I NEVER SEEN FRANCO COLUMBO THERE... HOWEVER I HAVE MET FRANCO A FEW TIMES AND I GOTTA TELL YOU... HE IS A FUCKING BIG DICK IN PERSON... SPEAKING OF DICKS, I USED TO SEE LOU FERRIGNO IN GOLD'S ALL THE TIME... HE IS A BIG DICK HIMSELF... IT'S FUNNY CAUSE FRANCO AND LOU WERE PROBABLY THE TWO BIGGEST ASSHOLES I HAVE EVER MET IN THIS SPORT AND I HAVE MET A LOT OF JERKS... TRUST ME... I MET EVERY PRO BODYBUILDER FROM 1990 BACK... AS FOR THE GOVERNOR ELECT, ARNOLD IS JUST ALL RIGHT... I HAVE MET ARNOLD QUITE A FEW TIMES EVEN IN THE 1970S AND HE WAS OK AND DID TALK TO ME A FEW TIMES... BUT HIS BOY FRANCO ONCE TRIED TO PUT THE MOVES ON MY EX-WIFE AND GOT STUPID WITH ME WHEN I TOLD HIM HE WAS HITTING ON MY GIRL... AS A MATTER OF FACT ARNOLD HIT ON MY EX-WIFE TOO AND TOLD HER SHE WAS CUTE... BUT FRANCO GOT REALLY STUPID WITH ME... I REALLY THOUGHT ‘'ASSHOLE'' UH... ER... I MEAN FRANCO AND I WERE GONNA GO AT IT... IT WAS AT A PARTY FOR JOE GOLD IN CONJUCTION WITH THE LAST WORLD CUP CHAMIONSHIP RUN BY ARNOLD... THIS WAS BACK IN THE LATE 1980S... I REMEMBER MY FRIEND RICH Gaspari WON THE SHOW THAT YEAR AND THE NEXT YEAR IT BECAME WHAT IS NOW KNOWN AS THE ARNOLD CLASSIC... YES BOYS AND GIRLS... I BEEN AROUND A LONG TIME... I PROMOTED A LOT OF SHOWS IN THE 1980S UNDER THE CORRUPT CARL CAMPAGNA REGIME... SOON AFTER THAT NPC EMBARRASSMENT OF A CHAIRMAN WAS VOTED OUT OF HIS POSITION, STEVE WEINBERGER TOOK OVER THE TOP SPOT AND HAS HELD HIS POSITION EVER SINCE.

SPEAKING OF WEINBERGER...I HEARD THAT ONE TIME BIG STEVE WEINBERGER CALLED THE INCREDIBLE HULK LOU FERRIGNO OUT AND LOUIE WAS A LITTLE MORE YELLOW IN COLOR THAN HE WAS GREEN... WELL, ALL RIGHT BIG STEVE... I ALSO REMEMBER SEEING FERRIGNO IN LIKE 1982, TRAINING AT GOLD'S IN VENICE... I SEEN HIM IN MARCH OF THAT YEAR AND HE HAD ABOUT 16-INCH ARMS AND LOOKED LIKE A BASKETBALL PLAYER MORE THEN A BODYBUILDER... THEN, I FLEW BACK HOME TO NEW YORK CITY IN MAY... AT THE END OF MAY FERRIGNO MADE AN APPEARANCE AT THE NIGHT OF CHAMPIONS TO PRMOTE HIS PATHETIC TOTAL FUCKING BOMB OF A MOVIE ‘'HERCULES‘'... NOW WHEN I SAW HIM IN NEW YORK I WAS GAGGING... I'M THINKING TO MYSELF, HEY THREE MONTHS AGO HE WAS A BASKETBALL PLAYER AT BEST... TALL AND LANKY... NOW HE WAS SO BIG HE WAS ALMOST 300 POUNDS SHREDDED... IN JUST THREE FUCKING MONTHS... LISTEN UP GUYS, I SEEN HIM WITH MY OWN TWO EYES GO FROM A WIMP TO WARRIOR IN THAT SHORT AMOUNT OF TIME... WHAT A TRANSFORMATION... HE COULD HAVE EASILY BEAT DICKERSON FOR THE MR. OLYMPIA THAT YEAR... NOW HE WAS AN EVEN BIGGER PRICK... I SEEN HIM EVERY DAY IN GOLD'S GYM, AS A MATTER OF FACT HE EVEN WORKED IN ON A CABLE PRESS DOWN WITH ME... YET WHEN I TRIED TALKING TO HIM HE TREATED ME LIKE I WAS A PIECE OF SMELLY SHIT... WELL I SAY TO HIM NOW, HEY LOUIE, THE PEN IS MIGHTIER THAN THE SWORD... SO LOU IF YOU'RE READING THIS... YOU SUCK... BIG DICKHEAD... AND TO THAT GAPING BUTTHOLE FRANCO COLUMBO... I SAY, YOU NEED YOUR HEAD EXAMINED YOU FUCKING WEIRDO... YOU SUCK ASS TOO... BOY THAT FELT GREAT TO GET THAT OFF MY CHEST... KINDA LIKE A Creatine BLAST I BEEN HOLDING IN ALL DAY AND FINALLY DROPPED THAT SCUD RIGHT IN MY HOME TOILET... THERE'S NOTHING BETTER THAN SHITTING IN YOUR OWN BATHROOM ON YOUR OWN HOME TOILET... SORRY I HAD TO ADD THAT IN HERE BUT YOU KNOW IT'S SO TRUE.

GETTING BACK... I'M ITALIAN TOO AND IT'S A DAMN SHAME THAT FERRIGNO AND COLUMBO ARE TWO VERY UNFRIENDLY BUNGHOLES IN OUR SPORT... BODYBUILDING BREEDS ASSHOLES... IT ALWAYS HAS... I GUESS WHEN A GUY GETS JACKED UP HIS HEAD GETS BIGGER TOO... THERE HAVE BEEN A FEW COOL GUYS WHO WOULD TALK TO YOU AND TREAT YOU LIKE A PERSON INSTEAD OF A LOWLY FAN... MY EXPERIENCE IS THE NICEST GUYS ARE GUYS LIKE MIKE CHRISTAIN, VINCE TAYLOR, PORTER CORTREL, ARON BAKER, TOM PLATZ, VINNY COMERFORD, RONNIE COLEMAN, LEE HANEY, JOHN GRIMEK AND SAMIR BANNOUT (WHO IS VERY FRIENDLY AND COOL BUT HAS ISSUES HIMSELF)... I ALWAYS GET ASKED BY PEOPLE WHO ARE THE NICEST PRO BODYBUILDERS I HAVE MET OVER THE YEARS... AND WHO ARE THE BIGGEST ASSHOLES... LET ME TELL YOU THIS... OVER THE YEARS I MET A LOT OF ASSHOLES IN THE SPORT... MORE ASSHOLES THAN NICE GUYS... IT'S FUNNY CAUSE THIS SPORT IS A JOKE AND NO ONE OUTSIDE OF BODYBUILDING KNOWS WHO ANY OF THESE PROS ARE... IT'S A DAMN SHAME... EVEN MR. OLYMPIA RONNIE COLEMAN (GREAT GUY, SUPER NICE)... I'M SURE HE GETS ASKED ALL THE TIME IF HE IS A WRESTLER OR A FOOTBALL PLAYER... THE GENERAL PUBLIC DON'T KNOW WHO THE PRO BODYBUILDERS ARE... ANYWAY NEXT MONTH I'LL TELL YOU ABOUT A FEW ASS BEATINGS I SEEN INCLUDING PLATZ GETTING HIS ASS KICKED OUTSIDE GOLD'S GYM IN THE PARKING LOT... WAIT TILL YOU HEAR BY WHO AND WHY... BUT YOU GOTTA BE HERE NEXT MONTH TO FIND OUT... SEE YOU HERE FOR MORE RAMBLIN ABOUT MY PAST DAYS IN THE THICK OF IT ALL IN GOLD'S GYM VENICE.

OK EVERYBODY... DON'T FORGET TO GO TO MY NEW WEBSITE  WWW.GREGGVALENTINO.NET AND LOOK IN MY NEW GALLERY CALLED RAMBLIN FREAK... IT WILL CONTAIN PICTURES OF THE PEOPLE AND PLACES I TALK ABOUT HERE IN MY COLUMN EVERY MONTH... I HAVE DEDICATED THIS GALLERY TO MY COLUMN HERE IN MUSCULAR DEVELOPMENT MAGAZINE AND YOU WILL NEED A CODE TO GET IN AND SEE THE PICS... THIS MONTH THE CODE IS 528... EACH MONTH THE CODE WILL CHANGE AND YOU WILL HAVE TO COME HERE TO MY COLUMN TO GET IT... THANKS AND GOOD LUCK TO YOU ALL... HEY, IF THERE ARE ANY LATIN GHETTO GIRLS READING THIS... HOLLA AT ME... I NEED SOME LATINA LOVIN YO... AND TO THE REST OF YOU ALL... FUCK OFF TILL NEXT MONTH.