Written by PJ Braun
22 December 2022

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A Billion Burpees!

 

In prison, we have very limited options. Without a doubt, the king of all prison exercises is the burpee.

 

Limitless Bodybuilding

By PJ Braun

 

People ask me all the time, what's the king of all exercises? In my early 20s I would probably say the squat, but that was when I was most definitely a true meathead and would have narrowed it down to the big three (squat, bench, deadlift). I think Dr. Hatfield aka Dr. Squat (the first 1,000-pound squatter) said, “If you don’t squat, you won’t be squat!” Now with many years of learning and gained wisdom I can say, that is just too hard of a question to give a general answer to because we have all sorts of great functional exercises, and it will vary so much from sport to sport, etc. So now I am in prison, and in prison we have very limited options. Without a doubt, the king of all prison exercises is the burpee.

 

Today I asked a group of inmates, “How many burpees do you think are done every day here?” and one of the guys said, “A billion!” We laughed but at any time of day no matter where you are, inside or outside, you can see someone doing burpees, and as I walked to the computer room to type this out, I stopped to chat with a guy who was midway through what would total 500 burpees today. He said it was his Easy Burpee Day. Funny thing is that no one in the free world goes to the gym and does burpees. Well, maybe some of my CrossFit friends, but I have never actually seen a single person doing burpees in any gym in the USA or any country that I have traveled to over my 30 years of working out!

 

So how did the burpee get so popular? Well, for starters, when your options are a pull-up bar, dip bar and the ground, you either limit yourself to pull-ups, dips and push-ups, or you get creative. Let’s talk about the pull-up first. You can do wide grip, you can do close grip, underhand, single arm, negatives, kipping pull-ups and of course for the very strong guys, you can hang weight from a belt. The dip gives you fewer options: elbows out or in, lean forward or up strait. And yes of course, negatives and added weight. And lastly, we have the good old-fashioned push-up, which has infinite variations at this point, and I have seen many in prison that I never would have imagined.

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The burpee is the most intense variation of the evolution of the pull-up. I have asked many of the fittest inmates where the burpee craze comes from, and I have gotten all sorts of answers. I am sure if I had internet access, Google would have the answer for me but since I only have inmate.com (if you have done time, you know the phrase), I have selected the theory that goes like this. “It started from a Navy SEAL who was down and wanted to remain in great shape and help train others to get in shape but had no equipment.” Sounds believable. The burpee-style workout caught like wildfire and as time went on, prison workout routines started making their way to Amazon in the form of books, and eventually back into the prison systems and we have a nationwide prison burpee phenomenon. The thing is, in the places I have traveled and all the workouts I have seen, I would say less than 20 percent of the guys doing burpees look like they work out at all – and of those 20 percent, most of them are doing other important exercises like the pull-ups, push-ups and dips. A very small group of men I have seen who only do burpees and look great surely must have exceptional genetics.

 

It’s important to consider that the nutrition aspect plays the biggest role in how we all look in prison, and there is a major lack of education in that regard as well as a lack of education on the fact that done incorrectly or too aggressively, the burpee can cause more harm than good. Injuries to the back, knees and shoulders are all common in prison from excessive burpees.

 

So how many burpees do I do? None. I can’t do them. Most of my chronic injuries won’t allow me to do effective burpees and I am going to be honest and tell you that even if I was injury free, I would not do burpees because they really suck! Burpees are hard and not fun! No thank you, I like to lift weights and not flop up and down till my lungs are ready to collapse. Sounds like punishment and reminds me of hell week doing “up-downs” in full pads in August playing high school football! I would rather run a marathon!

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To anyone reading this, I encourage you to check out some YouTube videos on burpee variations, because there are tons! We have some guys in here that can do the most impressive, contorted variations that my body would never be able to pull off, and I salute them for that. For me, though, I want to feel strong, get a pump and look big and muscular from my workouts so I must utilize weight resistance for that hypertrophy, which is very difficult here – but I have found a way (that article is coming, I promise) to get it done. At least to an extent. This may seem like a bash on the burpee aka “The King of Prison Workouts,” but I do it from a point of satire.

 

Guys in here train so hard with what they have, and it’s inspiring! I think it really does come down to lack of knowledge and know-how. I would love to see some physical fitness and basic nutrition classes added to the inmate lifestyle, so guys don’t feel like they are rotting away or just learning without any rational sense to what's being taught. For that reason, I became the co-chairman of the Healthy Living Committee here. One of the first things I am setting up is a general seminar on nutrition and supplementation, in which I will encourage whoever participates to ask me anything. I have no idea how many will show up, but I hope that it turns into something beneficial for the community and I know I can be of service to many here! I will keep you updated on the progress.

 

So, until next time, have some gratitude toward your gym and gym equipment that you use daily and go try out some burpees. If you can do 400 in an hour, you’re hitting beginner status!

 

Peace out, bye!

 

Instagram @pjbraunfitness

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